The Earth Reliant Artist

Trace Willans All Natural Mixed Media

Thursday, September 25, 2014

The Autumn Gift

Kathryn Polanski 
25/5/79  - 7/9/14

I've been away form here for a while. Some of you may be aware through FB that I have recently had to deal with something really really difficult, probably the hardest thing in my life so far.
At 16 I had a beautiful baby girl who I gave up for adoption, seventeen years later I met her and we spent time together when we could but life got in the way as it does, so I never got to spend as much time as I would have liked.
On September 7th she lost her battle with depression and took her own life.
I did not even know she was struggling with depression. No one let me know.
The loss of the future time we could have spent together is overwhelming.
and no matter how I curse and swear and look at what I maybe could have done this is something that I cannot change and that is the saddest thing of all.

She was the Autumn Gift (from Charles de Lints Spirit Walk ) but I did not realise it until it was too late. So many people felt better for having her in their lives but she still felt like she wasn't special and had nothing to offer.

I have always wanted to emulate Esmerelda Foylan The Westlin' Wind ( again from Spirit Walk)and help people to find their way. I had hoped to be able to do Martha Beck's training course but the money was just not forthcoming at this time, but next time or sometime I will do it, I also plan to do the Art Therapy course through Phoenix and somehow make a difference. I have wanted to do this for a long time but I am hoping to use this as a catalyst to push me forward.

All I can take from this it to make sure my life is the best damn life I can live, not to take things for granted.

The best people possess a feeling for beauty
the courage to take risks
the discipline to tell the truth
the capacity for sacrifice
Ironically their virtues make them vulnerable
they are often wounded
sometimes destroyed

Ernest Hemingway

Goodbye beautiful girl
x te


Martine said...

Dont make it too hard on yourself could have done nothing.........

Ellen said...

Thank you so much for sharing something so very personal, I appreciate it and my thoughts and prayers are with you, with love, Ellen xx

Jo Murray said...

Oh Trace this is so sad. It is wonderful that you at least had some time together. Keep those memories safe...they will sustain you. Thinking of you.

jacqueline said...

So sorry to hear of your daughters death. I hope that you find that your creativity is a thread to live by..............

Mo Crow said...


Karen Maezen Miller said...

I am so sorry. I will say a service in the garden.

Trace Willans said...

Thank you Karen, after reading your first wonderful book, the thought of that will give me great comfort. x te

Jules Sizer said...

Dear Trace, My heartfelt thoughts are with you.Remember all the precious memories you were able to share with your beautiful daughter.Your art will be the safe and perfect place to express all that you will feel.Honour how you feel.Love Jules Sizer.

Unknown said...

We were very close as children, both outcasts... I only just found out.
I'm sorry for your loss... she was a very special person.